Posted by: froggy1217 | March 26, 2011

Miss Manners was Shocked and Abhorred…

So, after six months, I still have not yet written or mailed out about 50% of the thank you notes for gifts received back in September for our wedding.   It is something I wish I had done (and had every intention of doing) within the first month of us being married.  I contemplate daily the people I’ve offended by not following the Miss Manners guideline of mailing thank you notes within two months of marriage.

Those privy to the  inside “scoop” of the first six months of our marriage might be sympathetic to my tardiness, however there are a plethora of people who truly must think me a social gargoyle for having not acknowledged their kindnesses sooner.

Ironically enough, I’ve never in my life been more grateful for each and every kindness exhibited towards me before and during the wedding.  My dearest friends and family treated me like a goddess – bridal showers, a bachelorette outing, complementary make-up, hair, photographs… I truly was feeling like the most fortunate woman in the world!   So… what’s up with my lack of exhibited gratitude?

Truth be told – life interfered – over and over and over again.  One calm moment seems to breed five more filled with a new drama.  I’ve known miraculous women over the years and have always envied their ability to juggle life events while still managing to get the day to day things completed.  I have absolutely no skill in that area.  When there is absolutely anything awry, my entire psyche focuses on it and absolutely nothing can distract it.  These last six months have been filled with more ups and downs than I could ever have imagined possible after a good ten years of mundanity.

I had just begun writing them again last week – and had thought I would be able to finish them by the end of this week.  Life again intervened and within 24 hours I was obsessing over the health of a loved one and some discouraging test results of my own.   I know that I will feel as if a great weight is lifted once they are written and once I can feel at peace that everyone who deserves my gratitude knows just how thankful I truly am.  I also know that in order for me to write a thank you note, my heart and soul have to be involved.  As with any other item that I am writing, I have to “feel” the words and know that they are true.  It is so hard to transport my heart to a place of gratitude when I am feeling anxiety and worry over the present.   I do hope that I have not offended anyone, but imagine that somehow I probably have.

So, in closing, if you are reading this and if I have neglected to thank you for anything at all – please know that I am grateful – just not very polite.  Miss Manners would not be pleased.

 

Posted by: froggy1217 | January 1, 2011

The anti-climatic ending to the most exciting year ever!

Good-bye 2010!  For the first time in my life, I can honestly say that love and happiness and joy and dreams and life goals actually occurred in the past year!  Unlike just about every other New Year’s Eve in my adult life, this one is not filled with regret and sadness and depression.  What a magical thing life can be!

I wallowed today in some self-criticism due to my being sick and not feeling up to attending a fabulous party this evening.  It is coupled with an overall feeling of exhaustion and just not wanting to do much of anything.   The side effects of the antibiotics, along with the actual pain of the infection are dragging me down.

My pathetically lethargic self is in complete opposition to Lee’s new workout regimin.  Although I know he would have preferred if I was able to play tennis for longer than 20 minutes or even leave the house to go for a drive, he was SO kind to me and stayed home and made sure I was entertained and fed and well taken care of.

Thanks to the beautiful birthday present from my sister, a gray kitten named Lou, it was very difficult to stay self-absorbed for an extended period of time.   Although originally very timid, he is beginning to show true kitten-ness and is hopping and attacking and eating fingers and toes!

Anyways, without any further adieu, I’d just like to say that it was a beautiful year and thank you to everyone who helped make it that way for me.   Although I’ve been under the radar for the last few months, my gratitude is eternal for friends and family who helped to make 2010 such a magical year for me.

Posted by: froggy1217 | December 14, 2010

A Mixed Blessing with a Blended Ending

Words attacked me from all fronts today. Some were shot out from limp rifles of unsubstantiated virility and congregated in a corner, waiting for me to either mop them away or absorb them with one disgusting swallow.  Others passively swept over my head, hanging there ominously until I decided whether or not to invite them in or leave them behind.   The most painful words are those with the special bullets – the ones that don’t actually eat away at your subconscious until they are wedged deeply into your heart.  I had thought that they were illegal, however as humans I find that we are always finding new and special ways of torturing each other in order to ease the pain of our own suffering.

The miraculous power of words, that which so many of us are not capable of realizing, is that we can produce beauty and happiness and love with them.  Words, when given the proper environment (remember the Golden Rule of the Gremlins, don’t feed after midnight!) have the capacity for inspiring miracles.   A prayer is a word spoken from the heart.  A word is a creation, a gift from the universe.  Our inspiration – our poets, novelists, playwrights are all masters of the beauty of language.  The building block of communication, that which I struggle with  on a daily basis, has the potential for good.   I can’t understand why, then, as humans with such grand potential, we continue to eat away at each other’s souls with syllables intended for beauty.

They didn’t remain in a pile on the floor, nor on the ceiling above me.  They did crush me, just as they always do and because I allow myself to be preyed upon by those more manipulative than me, this will continue in the future.  But – that is not what is most important!    It isn’t that we will all continue to be hurt – it isn’t that there are those whose self-interest will outweigh the feelings of others time and time again – all of that has to continue to happen so that we can realize that there is beauty in words.  Without the power of opposites, there is no meaning.  Without hate, there isn’t love.  Without pain, there is no peace.  Without cats, there is nothing except an empty void into the abyss of hell.

At the very end of today, the only words that I will remember, the words that carry the weight of love, are those that were spoken to me by the person who loves me more than anyone else I’ve ever known (the very same who just yelled “COME TO BED).  I will remember the words of friends who were thoughtful enough to share their kindnesses and words with me tonight, even though I have probably neglected them more than true friends really have a right to.  I will also fall asleep tonight listening to the purest communication known to me, purring.

Posted by: froggy1217 | November 25, 2010

Thanksgiving Gratitude

Thank you to the Universe. For reasons unbeknownst to me, I was blessed with the gift of love this past year. Above and beyond all else in my life, this miracle that is my husband continues to astound me on a daily basis. I had never realized that there was a gaping void in my heart until it was no longer there. I am spoiled beyond hope, undeservedly, yet thankful for every moment.

Thank you to my family. Despite the ups and downs of our lives, we’ve still managed to remain related. With such a difficult personality such as my own, I know how much of a challenge that must be at times. I’ve never needed you more than this past year, thank you for being there.

Thank you to my true friends – the people who love me “for” my imperfections and not in spite of them. It’s taken a lifetime, but I get it now – our friends are those who forgive us our indiscretions and mistakes and shortcomings and love us just because we are who we are.

Beautiful four footed creatures – I love you and thank you for bringing unadulterated joy into my heart each and every day. I am indebted to you eternally. For those unexperienced with the animal/human connection, you are truly missing a magical thing. I would not have survived this life without my furry friends.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all. I pray that you all have something to be grateful for, but if not, I will send a message to the universe that your blessing arrives very soon.

Posted by: froggy1217 | November 25, 2010

Personal thoughts on an impersonal day

Against all advice, yes, I will take it all to heart.   I’ll weep uncontrollably and inappropriately when I feel sad, will continue to have anxiety attacks, will dream about oppressive personalities in my life- but I’ll be damned if I’ll morph into one of The Numb Ones.   The good advice has been abundant for years on end, the “don’t take it personally” mantra that has only made me feel more alienated from the human race.   Everything, absolutely everything, has to be personal.  Each interaction that I have is unique to me, why would I take anything as crucial as that so lightly?  Why would anyone?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted by: froggy1217 | June 8, 2010

The Ebb and Flow of the Human Condition

My greatest fault is presuming that I can decide who and what someone is based on a single experience.   The black and white perception of the world has worked out phenomenally for me in some ways – it has created a non-penatrable defense system based primarily on fear.

Lessons learned recently reflect the flux of humanity.  As a nature and animal freak, it is silly that I was unable to make the connection until now.  Things change, constantly.  Atoms split, the earth shifts, the ocean never stops its comings and goings and my cat changes his mind about the world at least 10 times a day.   As my mood changes, so does my attitude about those around me.

It seems like such a simple concept.  People are not boxed in to categories, stuffed into canned jars and then labeled based on one behavior.  We are all more than that.  Humans are more than an action at a given moment.

I agonize over the times that I’ve made mistakes, over the times that I have caused suffering and grief.  My worst sins are with me on a daily basis.  It dawned on me that in order to reach out and offer open mindedness and forgiveness to others, that I should begin with myself.

I know someone who is loving, open minded and who only speaks unkindly of others when he absolutely feels that they deserve it.  Even then, it is done in a very diplomatic fashion and doubts about his own perceptions are often included.  I am not like that.  I am loyal to those who have shown me kindnesses, however I tend to incriminate those who have hurt me – even if it was only a one time thing.   Revolutionarily – it actually is possible to pass through a moment, an action, and reappear later as a completely different person.  The sum of the parts make the whole.  One part does not add up to anything at all.  Anyhow, I was thinking today that I would like to let go of my preconceptions about some of the people I know that I have been holding at bay for sometime now.  It’s not fair to them – and it is certainly not fair to me!

Posted by: froggy1217 | March 14, 2010

To Blog or Not to Blog, That is the Question.

Rest in peace, Will.  Even I can’t believe I morphed your timeless words into a cheesy blog title.   With all of the other blasphemies you’ve encountered these past few centuries, perhaps you’ll forgive my transgression.

So, here’s the deal… I am still struggling with whether or not a public blog hold any personal merit.  I’m a private girl.  I grew up hiding my thoughts, dreams, hopes and heartbreaks in diaries, journals and scraps of paper (that others would later find and read, tragically enough). In my archaic world, the purest form of the written word is just that – handwritten. It begins in the heart and it lands on paper and there are no computerized devices to hint at misspelled words, grammatically incorrect sentences or to suggest better ways of expressing one’s bleeding soul.

I guess I am also struggling with what it is that a blog actually is.   Do we use it to ostracize those who have wronged us?   Should I use this platform as a tool for ripping those apart who have hurt me (as a former friend did to me many years ago)?   Do I bare my rawest feelings or just express those things that I’d prefer the world know about me, regardless of whether or not they are truthful.  Do I rant about my political and religious preferences and degrade those who do not agree with my opinions?

The reason that I am considering blogging is based a great deal on my fiance’s blog.  Lee is able to meld words and photography into an art form. I had always assumed blogs were nothing more than public displays of judgement and grandstanding.  Lee’s blogs are not judgmental, but then again neither is he.  Perhaps a blog is more than just purging, more than the vomiting up of words. Rather than profit from his phenomenal photographical and journalistic talent, Lee shares freely via blogs and websites some of his best work ever.  His gifts are free and they are majestic and they provide an insight to his soul.  He is so much more giving than I could ever be, however I do believe that he is an inspiration to me.

It dawned on me today that my reality is nothing more than viewing the world through a kaleidoscope.  It is not the truth.  It is my perception of the world, but it is not truth.  Couldn’t my words be perceived as art if we look at them as a distorted view of the world?  If I leave out opinions, if I leave out ego, if I leave out contempt and envy, if I only relate what I see and hear and love and live for based on my experiences, maybe then my blog can be a form of beauty.   Words based on beauty as seen through a telescope.  A mirror of reality, but it will be a fun house circus mirror – not to be confused with the real thing.  In that way, maybe I can be a purveyors of art. I am taking my view, adding the spice of perception and then sharing it with the world.  Mine will be a distorted and perceptual reality, which I will believe to be truth, but it will only be my own personal truth.   Isn’t that what fiction is all about?

As to whether or not any of this will benefit myself or the world remains yet to be seen.  I maintain that a personal diary is most therapeutic to me.  There are times when retching up vulgarity is absolutely necessary.  There are times when feelings are hurt and wretched people need to be ripped apart and it is best that these things are done on the handwritten page, rather than by a kitchen knife.   I still am a private person and there are things the world will never know about me.  But, I think that Lee has taught me that sharing gifts with the world is a good thing.  Sharing beauty and love and words and insight and photos can be beautiful.  In some ways I think that this blog is actually a monument to the gift that Lee has given to me – the courage to share a part of myself with the world.

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